Give your kids chores

This morning my husband put an advice column newspaper clipping on my desk. A concerned grandmother had written complaining that her daughter-in-law, who does not work outside the home and has plenty of time, expects too much of her eight- and nine-year-old daughters. Mom has the girls washing dishes, cleaning rooms in the house, and doing their own laundry, including bed linen. Grandmother does not think it is right to make kids this age responsible for these household chores. The columnist answers that there is no reason children this age cannot be taught how to do these things and it probably gives them a sense of accomplishment and independence.

Too bad that grandmother didn’t know about the study done by Marty Rossman, associate professor of family education at the University of Minnesota. Rossman studied a group of young adults from the time they were preschool children and found that the best predictor of a child’s success as an adult was that they began helping with chores by age three or four. Specifically, these mid-twenty adults were more likely to complete their education, get a good start on a career, develop adult relationships, and avoid the use of drugs. The study found that early participation in household chores was deemed more important in adult success than any other factor, including IQ.

Small children are usually eager to help. Last night we had dinner with Jim and Marilyn and their 18-month-old granddaughter Emma. After dinner Emma and Jim went into the kitchen. “Help you,” said Emma and they began loading the dishwasher. Jim handed the silverware to Emma one piece at a time and, smiling, she carefully put it in the basket.

Many parents thinking of giving their kids a head start in kindergarten teach them letters, numbers, and colors. But it looks like they would be better off teaching them how to make their beds. According to a study of 379 children published August 2005 in the Journal of Personality, children who had more responsibilities at the age of five were more likely to have better grades and better behavior in school as eight-year-olds.

The child who has practiced listening to parents and following multiple-step directions for chores finds it easier to understand and do what is expected of them at school. Parents give their children a sense of responsibility, competence, and self-reliance by involving them in tasks. A young child feels capable when he or she knows that Mom and Dad believe they can do it. This sense of confidence will help them resist peer pressure as they grow older.

When children show an interest in what you are doing, show them how and let them help. At eighteen months Emma can also help pick up her toys, wipe up spills, and put the wet clothes in the dryer when Marilyn hands them to her from the washer. Don’t wait until kids are “old enough”—by then they will have lost interest in the job and you will have missed the teaching opportunity.

Parents will have to be patient as their kids assume chores. Start with simple two-step instructions like, ”Pick up your socks and put them in the laundry basket.” You must resist the temptation take over for them when they struggle. Do not make the bed over when it is not perfect. “Here, let me do that for you,” erases all that confidence you have built.

“It is faster if I do it myself” is often the parents’ comment. And they’re right. It is faster and easier to do it yourself, but the long-term goal is to raise a self-sufficient young adult. Start when the children are young. Even a one-year-old knows what the wastebasket is. Just remember that even though they are kids, they are not your servants and don’t deserve the most boring jobs. Helping is part of being a family member, and not something done for an allowance.

As adults, we all would rather work with someone who does his or her share. This is a responsibility and work ethic that begins at home. Now we know from Rossman’s studies that including toddlers in household responsibilities will result in greater self-esteem, fewer behavior problems, and more success as an adult.

My practical husband rejoiced at the eight- and nine-year-old girls who could do their laundry. He remembers a helpless college friend who did not know how to do laundry or clean up his apartment and whose idea of home cooking was reheating take-out. Imagine what a difference you can make in your child’s future simply by including him or her in family projects and chores.