Discipline without punishment

Family routines, plans, and rituals can eliminate nagging and yelling. Many people think “to discipline” means “to control with punishment,” but discipline also means “to educate.” Rather than trying to control children, daycare centers establish routines, plans, and rituals to teach children self-control. By doing the same, families can create a positive atmosphere and avoid head-to-head conflict.

A routine is a habitual way of doing something. There are routines for most everything: using the telephone, boarding an airplane, crossing a street, attending a friend’s wedding. At our house, routines are “how we do things here.” Good routines eliminate the need for discussion and nagging. Parents lead by example and establish the routines, which all family members follow. For example, at our house:

Routines can change for different locations and activities, such as a picnic or going on vacation. As children grow older, families change their routines for convenience and efficiency.

Plans offer a way to anticipate behavior problems and to be proactive instead of reactive. Even very young children (and adults) like to know where they are going, what is going to happen, and how they are expected to behave in a new situation. For example, when taking a four-year-old for story hour at the library for the first time, brief her by telling her that people talk with low voices in a library, and if she doesn’t sit quietly while listening to the story, the librarian will ask her to leave. When taking a ten-year-old to a nice restaurant, he needs to know how to order from the menu, sit quietly, and use his best table manners. A good briefing helps avoid unintentional and embarrassing rude behavior.

Good parental planning is bringing a quiet toy, or crayons and paper, to provide some entertainment for a restless preschooler stuck in a waiting room. Four-year-olds can pack their own bag of “things to do while waiting.” Planning can prevent troublesome behavior caused by having nothing to do.

A ritual is a family custom—an event to happily anticipate. When I was growing up, Sunday morning breakfast with my mother’s “light as a feather” waffles was a ritual none of us missed.

A ritual can turn a dreaded bedtime into a special part of the day, a time for a back rub, a story, or a leisurely conversation between parent and child. While visiting our friend Graham in England, my husband, Woody, and I enjoyed the bedtime ritual Graham had with his two-year-old son. Seated on his father’s lap, pajama-clad Timothy told us the story of his busy day, which included a blow-by-blow account of the trip to the train station to pick up Woody and Eleanor. Delighted by his audience, Timothy, with his keen memory for details, rattled on until he could think of nothing else. Drained, he kissed us all goodnight, and his Dad carried smiling Timothy off to bed.

A nightly dinner can be a family ritual that gives children a sense of belonging. This gives each family member a chance to calm down from a hectic day, a time to share triumphs and heartaches, and an opportunity to become part of the family once again.

Taking the time to establish routines, make plans, and start rituals is worth the effort for parents. Children want to please—if they know what to expect, and what their obligations are, they will exercise self-control.