Bonding for life

When 32-year-old Mary Sadlier of Rumford, R.I., was pregnant with her daughter Caitlyn, her husband, Stephen Rosa, regularly read entire books to the baby including the classic Green Eggs and Ham. Right after Caitlyn was born by Cesarean section, Rosa went over to the baby and started reciting lines from the book.

“I’m lying there on the table and I can hear him saying ‘Sam I am,’” says Sadlier. “She was so soothed by the familiar refrains that she immediately stopped crying.”

Though he may not have realized it, Rosa was already bonding with his newborn child, beginning a lifelong process that experts say will have amazing benefits for them both.

For most parents, bonding with their baby is not something they do consciously. It’s in the tone of their voice, the gentle stroke on the skin, and the soft melody they hum. But aware or not, bonding is one of the most important things parents can do for their children.

According to Roni Leiderman, executive director and associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University, babies are born with billions of brain cells that are not yet connected or networked. “Connection occurs according to the experiences you provide your child,” she says.

By repeating quality experiences like reading or singing, parents can help these events become a permanent part of their newborn’s brain, allowing them to develop both mental and emotional intelligence. Leiderman says that EQ, or emotional intelligence, is just as important as IQ, as EQ helps children develop empathy, trust, self-esteem, and relationship skills.

Bonding not only benefits the baby, but also helps mom and dad. Making that special connection with their baby helps parents regulate their emotions, learn and respond better to the baby’s cues, and get through the difficulties of being new parents.

“Bonding is that wonderful connection that happens between parent and child, that wonderful dance that mother and father and baby develop with each other,” says Leiderman. “Bonding sets the stage for future interaction between the parents and the baby and for that wonderful unconditional love that develops.”

Many new moms, however, may not feel like bonding right away and nurse practitioner Sandra Samberg of New York City says that’s normal. “Some bond immediately after birth and with others it definitely takes time,” she says. “Don’t feel guilty. It’s okay, because your hormones are all over the place after birth.” But if the feeling lasts for a significant period of time, cautions Leiderman, parents should seek help.

Samberg, mother of two, recommends a few techniques to help parents relax into their new roles. She suggests that parents learn as much about infant care as they can and try to get hands-on experience to get a feel of what it’s “really” like. She also advises accepting support from family members, friends, and hired help to give parents more time to spend with the baby. Finally, she says it’s important that parents take care of themselves, trying to sleep when the baby sleeps, taking breaks, etc. “The more you take care of yourself, the better you’re going to mentally and physically feel and the better the bond can be,” she says.

Bonding ideally begins right after birth. According to Leiderman, studies show that babies who spend the first hour after delivery with their moms cry less, nurse better and laugh more. Many parents, however, don’t get the opportunity to spend that first hour with their baby due to adoption, medical issues, or other reasons, but experts say that while that first hour gives parents a head start, there are many more opportunities to start the process.

Bonding with a baby can take many forms, but the most basic method is to simply meet the baby’s needs. “You need to understand and read your baby’s cues,” says Leiderman. When a parent responds to the baby’s needs, the baby learns to trust and gains the confidence needed to explore the outside world.

Nancy Hogshead-Makar, a 39-year-old mother, felt it was very important to listen and respond to her son Aaron’s cues. “Believing that a child is a full human means that, for me, taking his cues as seriously as if an adult made the request,” she says. “So when he was hungry, I nursed him. When he wanted to be cuddled, which was a lot of the time, I did. I do not know what’s best regarding when to feed him, whether he is ready for a nap, whether he needs to be held. Aaron does.”

Research shows that physical contact with your baby is very beneficial. A study at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami showed that massaging babies enhanced their ability to learn. According to pediatrician Dr. William Sears, babies who are frequently carried in a sling cry less, organize their internal systems better, and are smarter.

Sadlier frequently held her daughter in a carrier and experienced these benefits. “Once she was home, I often carried her in a Snugli while I did housework,” she says. “She snoozed peacefully, listening to my heartbeat, and I accomplished things around the house.”

Bonding may also be different for moms than for dads. Samberg says dads may have a more difficult time because they often feel left out, but she suggests that they start bonding right at birth by cutting the umbilical cord or holding the baby. Samberg also recommends that each parent choose different activities to do with the baby, so the baby begins to associate one activity with a particular parent.

“Each parent will find their own things that really work for them,” she says. Whether it’s reading Green Eggs and Ham, giving the baby a nightly massage, or creating a special tradition to share, it’s the quality of the experience that matters most. With a simple touch, word or shared gaze, parents can set their babies on the path toward a promising future.