The birds and the bees for today’s kids

Next to potty training, the red-faced, hemming and hawing “talk” may be the parenting event people dread the most. Liberal attitudes about sex and the proliferation of sexual material in the media have only made it harder to know what to say to your kids, and when.

The answers will depend upon the child, and the parents’ values and comfort levels. On some things, though, experts agree.

Sounds simple, right? Here are some common-sense guidelines for handling sexuality issues for each age group.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children between 18 months and three years be taught proper names for body parts, and that the parts covered by a bathing suit are “private.” A relaxed, matter-of-fact approach to toilet training helps promote a positive self-image.

From ages three to five children may be curious about their bodies and the bodies of parents and playmates; and they may try to satisfy their curiosity by touching. No punishment is needed. Parents can gently explain that they may not touch the private parts of others, and that other people may not touch their private parts except for bathing and doctor’s exams.

Milly Mullarky, a Parent Educator with Planned Parenthood, encourages parents to empower their kids. “As early as possible you encourage them to say ‘no.’ Anyone who is touching you in a way you don’t like, you can tell them ‘no,’” she says. Children should be allowed to opt out of hugs and kisses from well-meaning relatives. Even tickle sessions can be ended with a firm “no” when the child has had enough.

Children this age often masturbate and may be uninhibited about doing so wherever they are. Mullarky suggests telling it like it is. “That really feels good, doesn’t it? But that’s private.” Masturbation is normal and harmless for young children, and they need only be redirected to their bedrooms.

Once children reach school age, they begin to wonder where they came from. Answer their questions accurately, in accordance with your family’s values. Mullarky says “It’s extremely helpful for couples to talk about these things in advance, and decide where they are as a family.”

It is difficult to give too much information, because children will just tune out what doesn’t interest them. “More than the content, it’s the tone,” Mullarky stresses. “We leap to service our own fear when it comes to sexuality in our kids, so there’s that pervasive underlying feeling when we’re talking about it.” Keep it upbeat and factual.

Before puberty begins, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends children be taught about:

Mullarky concurs. “It’s hard, because parents don’t want to feel they’ve given their kids permission to have sex,” she says. To get past that issue, she suggests explaining your feelings. Let your kids know that you do not think they are ready for a sexual relationship, but that this is information they will need in the future.

What if you just can’t bring yourself to discuss sexuality with your kids? Get someone else to do it, says Mullarky. It’s okay to tell your kids, “You need to have this information, and I’m not comfortable talking about it, so I asked (helpful friend, family member, etc.) to talk to you.” Teaching them what they need to know to make healthy, smart decisions is a gift your kids will thank you for down the road.