Tantrums happen

They're not fun, but they're a normal part of child development!

It might start with a scowl and crossed arms as you put the box of favorite cookies back on the store shelf. Pretty soon his feet are kicking, he's squirming in the grocery cart seat, and his face is turning red. As you push the cart past the shelf, he reaches for the cookies and his demands of "I want" grow louder.

Shoppers start to stare. You try to hush him in a calm but firm voice saying, "No honey, no treats before dinner." But it's not working. His hands start pounding the cart and out of those tiny lungs now comes a roar that could drown out a jet engine.

You look around and see people looking at you. You can imagine the other parents muttering,'"I wouldn't let my kid make that kind of racket." You feel embarrassed, frustrated, angry, and it seems like there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Guess what? Sometimes there isn't. And that's okay.

Temper tantrums are a perfectly normal and very common part of growing up. Ignore those eye-rolling critics. Your child's extreme display of kicking, screaming, and crying is not a bad rap on your parenting skills. Viewed another way, tantrums can even offer a great "parenting moment" to help your child learn to deal with strong emotions. So stay calm and stay close. Your child needs you to be there.

You can't always know the cause of these emotional outbursts. There are many contributing factors to a child's emotional state, and sometimes it is the sum total that leads to the meltdown. Looking back at the situation that led up to the tantrum may or may not provide some hints. It may be worth asking yourself: Is he tired or hungry? Has he had enough exercise today? Is he frustrated because everything is moving too fast? Is this a new activity? Does he feel threatened in some way?

The world can look very different from a child's point of view. The inability to express or even understand desires or feelings can cause frustration to build and boil over into a tantrum. Sometimes a child will start to communicate his feelings in subtle ways, such as frowning, sighing, or pulling away. Reading and responding to those early cues of building stress may help prevent a tantrum.

For kids, tantrums are like stuffy noses: eventually, everyone gets one. In fact, they are going to probably throw a number of them. These kinds of emotional overloads are so commonplace that in one recent study, nearly 91 percent of parents said their three-year-old threw a tantrum at least once in the previous month (Potegal and Davidson 2003). They don't call them the "terrible twos"-and "threes"-for nothing.

The good news is that as a child grows older, the number of tantrums tends to decrease-and the fits become less intense. Older kids appear to replace bouts of kicking, hitting, and screaming with less aggressive fits of shouting, stamping, and throwing.

So why does your child melt down from time to time? There could be many reasons. Researchers think these emotional explosions are part of children's normal efforts to establish a sense of individuality and autonomy-a sort of declaration of independence from mom and dad.

Consider this: for the first few years of life, children spend much of their time developing close relationships with parents and caregivers. Unable to move around on their own, the world they explore is the one within arms' reach. But as they master the art of crawling and walking they develop the ability to decide for themselves where to go and what to touch. Meanwhile, they are learning how to express their desires ("no" and "mine" are favorite words) and deal with the emotional fallout when they don't get their way.

With so much going on, it's no wonder the system can overload.

What seems easy to you as an adult might be overwhelming to a child. That is why one of the most important things you can do for your child in these intense moments is to help him handle upsetting situations and put hurt feelings behind him (Kopp, 1989; Thompson, 1991). This is a valuable ability in your child's social and emotional development.

One of the simplest things you can do during a tantrum-or any emotional moment -is to talk to your kids about their feelings. Research suggests that putting a name to the emotions a child is feeling can be effective (Gottman, J. & Talaris Research Institute, 2004). Tell them that you know they are feeling angry or frustrated or hurt. Let them know that you understand the emotion. You might say, "Hey, we can all feel upset when we can't have something we want." Then explain why eating a cookie right before dinner isn't such a good idea. Trying to decode and respond to their cues before they build into frustrations or meltdowns can help.

Even these techniques might not be enough to calm a child in the midst of a monumental meltdown. Sometimes you just have to let the steam blow.

It can be tempting to punish a child for throwing a tantrum. But it is not a good idea. As tough as tantrums are for you to deal with, keep in mind that they are a normal part of your child's emotional development. Remember, your child isn't having any fun either. It can be very scary for a child when her emotions run hot and she doesn't know how to calm down yet. Try to see these outbursts as a chance to build trust with your child. She really needs you to stay cool and help her learn to deal with upsetting situations.

Tantrums are pretty much inevitable, but there are some things you can do to make them easier for you and your child.